I talk an excessive amount about spaghetti
I woke up slowly, sleeping through the alarm I really ought to have disabled days ago and letting the natural sun wake me instead. Online school had begun yesterday morning, and there were several assignments I had to complete throughout the day. When I sat up to begin my morning, I felt a craving for spaghetti, as one does. There's an unspoken rule in my house that if you're making spaghetti, you have to ask everyone else if they'd like some, just because spaghetti is that great of a meal. I knocked on my sister Helen's door first, since her room was on the way to the kitchen, but no response. I slowly opened the door and found that she was nowhere to be found. I didn't think anything of it, as she was probably just somewhere else in the house - or so I thought. I called out to the rest of the house and received a "yes" from my mom and dad. I asked them if they knew where Helen was, but they said they didn't. Again, I wasn't worried. I decided to put some extra spaghetti in the boiling pot for Helen anyway.
The spaghetti was finished soon after, and I alerted the house that it was ready. My mom called out Helen's name, but still, no response. My mom, being the worrying person she is, checked every room up and down, walked around the house outside, but still couldn't find her. At this point, my mom thought that the next best course of action was to text and call every parent of every friend Helen had. I had to admit, it was mysterious, just because this far into quarantine, allowing your children to hang out with other people wasn't seen as a smart move by anyone. Therefore, it was unlikely that Helen was hanging out with her friends.
Morning turned to noon, noon turned to afternoon, and we still had no idea where Helen was. My dad suggested that we call the police and initiate an investigation, and my mom agreed without hesitation. 10 minutes later, law enforcement was at our door, asking all the right questions and assuring my panicked mom that an investigator was on the way.
I had been trying to remove all negative thoughts from my head as soon as I learned that Helen's whereabouts were unknown, hoping that she'd be found quickly and it would all blow over, but this stifling of emotions led to an outburst in me making the worst predictions of doom my brain could imagine. For the next several minutes which passed by like hours, I laid down in my bed creating every possible scenario and the consequences of it in my brain. What if she was kidnapped? What if she slept-walked and ran from home to avoid the events that would follow? What if she was fed up with how life had been going at home and ran away intentionally? What if that presentation we watched a few weeks ago in class covering the topic of human trafficking had some important information that I could use to help recover my sister, but because I slept through the whole damn thing, I was now screwed? My brain's lack of focus led to a downward spiral of predictions rather than a logical and calm way of going about this whole situation. I tried to forget about the day's events and what was still to come by scrolling through my Instagram explore page and sending memes to my friends.
In the living room, my dad watched television to distract himself from the stress, which is probably something I should have replicated before I climbed down this rabbit hole of doom, while my mom cooperated with the investigator to retrace Helen's last steps.
I'm not gonna give y'all the satisfaction of knowing how the story ends
Hey Julian,
ReplyDeleteSo I liked your blog, and I especially liked the humor you incorporated into it! It was a good blog but there were some major mistakes that I can not look past. First of all, the title of your blog needs to be called "Missing", the instructions specifically state that you need to include it so I am going to take points off for being off task. Also, I don't know if Scalia mentioned this in your Zoom meeting but he did in mine, that following instructions is one of the first things Cambridge graders look for when grading a paper to see if you are on task. This often times puts students at an automatic band 5/6. Continuing on, I liked your use of humor but I feel that it distracted from the suspense and drama you need to portray in this. I feel like I was only invested for the humor and not the suspense.This is also contributing to being off task since it mentions this in the instructions as well. I did however liked the amount of detail in some of the sentences, but overall it was lacking. One thing to mention as well which I though was a little weird was this sentence from paragraph 3, "Morning turned to noon, noon turned to afternoon, and we still had no idea where Helen was." Aren't noon and afternoon the same thing? Just make sure to reread before turning in your blog for those little errors if it was a mistake on your part. Overall, due to your failure to stay on topic and follow some of the instructions I will have to give you a band 5.
Unfortunately Grace, afternoon and noon are not in fact the same thing. Afternoon actually comes after noon. So it is a little confusing, but noon is 12:00 pm and afternoon is any time after that. So technically, his sentence is correct because 11:59 AM is morning, 12:00 pm is noon, and 12:01 is afternoon.
DeleteKING BLINGGGG,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this story. It is an interesting take, using humor in the midst of a crisis, but I feel that you actually portrayed the idea of how different people cope with desperate times differently, like you going to humor, your dad watching TV, and your mom doing anything she can to help the detective. I also feel that this first person perspective helped create a sense of mystery and suspense, as we can see what is actually going through your head, so great job with that.
I feel there were a couple of things you could have done better though. While there was some decent build up of suspense, I think it would add to the suspense and mystery if you gave a small backstory as to why you were in quarantine. Obviously we know why you are, but remember, this is a narrative. You can make it about anything you want. There could be a zombie apocalypse or a dangerous amount of radiation, or something that just gives the reader an idea as to why you are being instructed to stay inside. Also, a slight tune-up on your diction could help the story flow a little bit better. But your structure and style was good.
I actually thought you stayed on task for this prompt. You made it your own, and still had someone go missing and created a sense of suspense and mystery, so although it was unconventional, it fulfilled the prompt and had a great sense of imagination. Overall, I would give this a high band 3, because although you had a consistent sense of voice, there were a few technical errors that could be easily fixed. Great work.
Hey Julian!
ReplyDeleteYour blog was very entertaining to read. Although the incorporation of humor was great for a blog, I feel that if you were taking the AICE test, it should generally be more formally written. To fully cover the idea of suspense and mystery, you should be writing in a darker tone to fully enhance the effect rather than writing in a lighter tone by using humor.
I feel that more descriptive words are needed in this as well. They bring out the deeper meaning in your writing. Without them, you are only covering the surface of what graders are looking for. I feel that with more descriptive sentences talking about exactly what emotions the character is feeling and how the outside world acts in response to this would have a greater effect.
I do like where you compare things to one another towards the end of your piece, next time incorporate this more throughout! You stayed on track with your writing, which is always a plus, just next time make sure you fully understand what tone you must display to fully cover the prompt given.
Just fix the minor errors, then you are set :)
Band: 5
ReplyDeleteHey Julian,
I enjoyed reading your blog. To be honest I really didn't understand where the mystery and suspense came into play. Your blog focused more on making "Helen's" disappearance a joke. Your blog story also didn't really move anywhere. Yes, your sister disappeared, but nothing major happened as your blog progressed. As the description goes I feel like there was a major lack of it throughout. You didn't go into detail about how each character was feeling during the investigation and only hit surface level when describing the scene where it all happened. You had a couple of grammatical errors, nothing major. For example, in the first sentence, I would change "letting" to 'let". Using the rubric I would give your blog a high band 6 or low band 5. You didn't follow the prompt when asked to provide a mystery and suspenseful story. You did a good job with a strong sense of voice throughout your story. The main problem was your lack of description and use of language. Lastly, a big part of this blog was for the title to be called "Missing" and you failed to incorporate that at the beginning.
Hey julian,
ReplyDeleteHope your staying safe from this corona stuff, but its time to grade this blog. To be completely honest I really enjoyed this blog. It had your humor in it and seemed to fit your writing style. However, it wasn't the best out of the ones I have already read. This prompt is supposed to be hyper descriptive. Pretty much meaning the viewer can feel almost everything that your looking at. I think what would help is, when writing use your 5 senses. They help a lot when writing pieces like this. Also the humor used in this the Aice graders won't care about. They are focusing on the prompt and that it. If you follow that prompt and don't have as many spelling errors or errors in your paper your golden. Overall a middle band 4.
Also forgot to add since this is a story based on suspense too you kind of lacked within that too since this felt more humorous than a true suspenseful story. But, still good job!
DeleteJulian,
ReplyDeleteYou handled mystery very well throughout because we didn’t know when Helen was taken, where she was (when you talked about human trafficking), or why a man could love spagetti so much. The main character (You) asked yourself multiple questions in paragraph three that added to the mystery. For me, suspense was seriously lacking in the blog. There was no hint that something more sinister was happening besides your sister’s disappearance. No clue told anybody that the situation could get worse. Adding something like a cheesey “Your next” note or something would give the sense of serious danger on top of the already terrible situation. Also by personalizing the story and stating that it was Helen it gave nothing that the reader could potentially think about. Rather than stating Helen’s name and showing that you (As in you Julian) were the main character you could have left that out so the reader could better imagine them in the character's shoes rather than just picturing a blond boy eating spaghetti. The reader could imagine one of their own family members being taken, which I think they would care a lot more about than one of yours. The structure and grammar was good as far as I could tell.
High Band 4
Julian,
ReplyDeleteI thought your blog was very good and funny at times. To start off, I liked how you made the writing a little funny. For example, you said, "When I sat up to begin my morning, I felt a craving for spaghetti, as one does. " Next, as I read your blog, I did notice that you had mystery, but not enough. As your blog came to an end, I wanted more details in the second to last paragraph, like anything missing in her room or something like that. By doing this, makes the writing more interesting and could also create suspense. Lastly, following the directions for AICE testing is very important because it gives you points and shows you know what you're doing. In your writing, you followed directions, but you did not title your blog "Missing." Overall, I would give you a band 5 because of this.